I was told during my one and only Birth Chart reading that my spiritual awakening was really started on 2006, even if unselfconsciously. When this dear Astrologer asked how I considered what had caused or happened this awakening, I was trying to find the answers through external events. The inability to look inward from my side.
Since the end of 2019 to 2020, I have started consciousness notice the process of awakening, from meditation, to vision, to esoteric study. Now that after an important chapter in this endeavour is closed, and starting a new page, I Am much better equipped in listening to the inner voice now, that I wasn’t able to pay attention, and would not have been able to connect what had happened either consciously or unconsciously then .
The Innate, our Higher Self, and our body, always know better than our human mind. They know what need to be done, what signals to send us, to guide us into certain directions. Most often than not, we ignore these signals completely. When I didn’t listen, regardless of all signals, my body was DOWN, twice I went into Emergency Room, the second time I almost die if the ambulance arrived 10 minutes later!!!
Now I understand why I need to go through this process of illness and dis-ease. If there was a pivotal point, that would be started in 2016, while trying to heal myself, either consciously or unconsciously I have also started Spontaneous Celibacy, still within a marriage. Watching my marriage go from bed to worse, until we made our final decision. Blaming sex, or the lack of, as the cause!
And I only got to understand this, through a very recent event, I was called to make a profound analyst of my inner world, inner feeling. I am in love again, the kind of teenage girl love strike. To feel my heart beating when thinking of a person is confusing, frightening, and exciting at the same time. Why this is happening to me, after all, I am going through a separation. For a long period of time, I thought I was in such peaceful stage in term of man-women relationship. I was convinced that I would go on, not wanting another person in my life.
Because of this new sensation, through confusion, not knowing what to do with myself. Nothing to do, but to sit quietly and contemplate. Today, I can say I am most blessed for this lesson. This not only has brought back the desire to love again, it has also helped me in understanding why I went into this spontaneous celibacy since 2016. Which just happened, without any imposition, no force of will, it just happened.
Now with full connection with my Higher Self, and be able in enter into this silent zone, inner voice. I comprehended that the act of celibacy was a way to take back my Sovereignty. Now I may explain from a female point of view, but it doesn’t mean male may not face the same situation. It is a matter of fact, our attitude towards sex, sexuality, or sensuality are for the most part, transmitted by external factors: our parents, our culture, our society, our generations…. Even when someone rebel to these external factors, rebellion is often the other side of the coin!
When I say to ‘Take Back’ my sovereignty, I didn’t mean to use it as a weapon by negating my partner sex. What I am really trying to transmit is that, I didn’t feel I need to please anyone (in this case my husband) with my body, if it is not what I desire. Therefore, from his point of view, it could have seen as a negation of my wifely duty.
On the other hand, I finally understand that my body was telling me to DETOX, detox of all impositions from the outside world. To purify and transmute this Sacred Temple of my body for what is to come. To free my body in order to free my mind. I, both body and soul, do not belong to anyone else but myself.
From my Chinese culture, and most importantly from my mother. Who was pregnant with me when she was very very young, and treated sex as a cause of trouble and pain. That she has tried very hard to make me feel guilty of my presence, and tried equally hard to transmit the same attitude. As rebellious as I am, something did came through. Well, as I said before, rebellion is just the other side of the coin!
So this process of spontaneous celibacy was a liberation, a preparation of higher understanding of who we are truly, not what the society want us to believe who we are accordingly.
Maybe it is not even about this person, but the sensation itself. While he has given me such a great gift by igniting this flame inside me, what it really brings out is:
NOW I AM READY TO LOVE AGAIN, BECAUSE I KNOW WHO I AM!
I LOVE ME, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE LIFE!
That there is no other role to play but myself, that there is no one to please but as ONE. And that is exactly the next stage of consciousness: one cannot love without knowing how to love himself/herself unconditionally. Only after one has learn this precious lesson, to love oneself, so there is also love for the others. And this love go beyond men and women or child. This love goes to every single being/matter in our lives, plants, birds, sky, moon, water, rocks, fresh air,….just about everything. I go as far as given a name to my car: DEAR JOHN, all things have vibration. I talk to him, thanks him for taking me from A to Z… This love goes beyond our understanding, our mind, our eyes, to the vast Universe, to the Source.
One day I took the photo of this plant on an outside wall. It is nothing really, yet I found such beauty of its existence. At that precise moment, I was in love with this plant, and its beauty came out in the photo so effortlessly.
In understanding this, has brought me to the next Initiation, another fear is gone: the Fear of LOVE.
In understanding this, it has such an important meaning for my soul journey. I have so many people to be grateful for their support, contribution. I simply love them all, doesn’t matter if they know it or not. Each and every single person that I have met since 2020 has given me an immense gift of life, of lessons, of learning. To them I say:
I Am Grateful, I Am Grateful, I Am God Grateful.
I love ME, I love YOU, I love LIFE.
I Am here to fly, to flow with life.
I Am Divine Love, tossing petals of roses.
And So It Is.
05 Oct 2022